Creating Healthy Boundaries

Opening Question: Have you ever “over committed” yourself with friends, church, or preschool and the like? Do you have a hard time saying the word “No”? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may have a boundary issue.

What is a Boundary – Boundaries are the lines of responsibility that separate what “is me” from what “is not me”. Boundaries show me what I am responsible for and what I am to take ownership of. Example: a fence around my yard is a boundary. It keeps my stuff in my yard and keeps others out of my yard.

According to Dr. Cloud and Townsend –The two reasons Boundaries help us…

• Help you to distinguish what is my responsibility from what is not my responsibility.
  • Personal integrity and ownership will grow from healthy boundaries.
  • Helps me to distinguish what I need to step away from. The things in life that don’t add to your relationship with your Significant other and/ or family.
• Help you to keep the good in and the bad out.

What can setting Boundaries do to help you in your everyday life?

1. Setting Boundaries allows space and time for self – care and personal growth (our 4 areas of personal growth are emotional, mental, physical, spiritual.)

Challenge: where would you like to start with your self -care?

• Personal growth – what areas in your life need some Tender Loving Care, (TLC). Personal growth can fall into that category. Maybe you need to take a class or a bible study. Read a self -help book. Practical goal setting helps with personal growth. Remember to get an accountability partner or a life coach. Without accountability change is just a nice idea but rarely happens.
• Have you established “emotional boundaries”? What would that look like for you? How will you allow people to treat you? Do you let others control your emotions? Since you only have control over yourself what can you do to get that control back and keep it?
• What boundaries do you have in place to take care of your physical needs? Exercise and healthy eating are a physical need that can easily be high jacked. What boundaries can you put in place to safe guard your physical needs?
• And last but not least we all have a spiritual side. What boundaries do you have to provide and protect for your spiritual life? It requires time and attention.it make cost you something you enjoy to give time to your spiritual needs however in the long run you will not regret it.

Conclusion: Boundaries allow us to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others. They also allow us to model that behavior for whoever is watching (i.e. children, spouse or friends). Enjoy the beginning of Boundary setting. Stay tuned for the next three months as we continue to grow in setting healthy boundaries!

Boundaries information taken from the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.

Have other people’s continual crisis, affected your family in an adverse way? Does your workplace think you are always available? Does your yes mean yes and your no mean no?

This month we will address healthy boundaries as it relates to keeping relationship honest.Making sure your yes will be yes and your no will be no, with no chance of bitterness creeping in because you didn’t manage your boundaries.

As a reminder – Boundaries are the lines of responsibility that separate what “is me” from what “is not me”. Boundaries show me what I am responsible for and what I am to take ownership of. Example: your skin is a natural boundary; it keeps your guts in and the germs out. (For the most part)

Setting Boundaries keeps relationships honest. In a relationship with your spouse, family member, friend or work, to have good boundaries is good self –care. If your work calls you day and night expecting a response (unless you are on call) you may need to create boundaries. As a life coach I spend a lot of time giving myself to my clients my undivided attention and I love my job. However there have to be days when I get to be just me, a person. In order to achieve this I have told my clients when I am available. They may text or call however I have a 24 hour window to return the call or text. On weekends often times my phone stays on the charger. I am the one that that has the responsibility to teach others how to respect me and my time.

Challenge:

If you have a situation where bitterness has found its way into a relationship you may need to take a good look and see what role you had in this. I have found that when a boundary has been breached (usually because I allowed it to happen then bitterness creeps in and I become the victim). Then a lie like “if only they would _______.” Or” why do they always ______?” If I am blaming others this is when I know I have let myself and my boundaries get out of whack.

If forgiveness is required take care of it. 1 John 1:9 says “If I confess my sins, he is faithful and just to forgive my sins and cleans me from all unrighteousness.” Confess to God first then move on to the person that needs your forgiveness or maybe you need to be forgiven. Own your part to the best of your ability. You only have control over you so take control. It is very freeing and allows you to set that new boundary will help to put the relationship on new footing.

Growing up is hard work but here is the good news…you can do this and your healthy boundaries will help to get you there.

Boundaries information taken from the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.

Are you trying to juggle too many projects at one time with no end in sight? Do your projects involve family members or co- workers that struggle to get there job done You may have a boundary issue.

As a reminder – Boundaries are the lines of responsibility that separate what “is me” from what “is not me”. Boundaries show me what I am responsible for and what I am to take ownership of. Like when a family member or friend gets in trouble and I want to step in to bail them out. Boundaries help you to stay in your lane.

Setting Boundaries can and should reduce stress and create time for stress management behavior. The good news is healthy boundaries always involve having a support network which means:

• Someone to give you input and encouragement. Sometimes that is a mentor, spouse, significant other, friend or a counselor or life coach. There have been times in my life when I have needed a second set of eyes to take a look at a situation that I am dealing with and help me see the big picture. Sometimes I can get lost as to what to do next and/or how to stay in my lane. If I try to fix a situation for someone else (like a family member or close friend) I can get in the way of them learning a valuable life lesson. The person I have to support me can help me to assess the situation and decide what my next step should or should not be.

• Support people that can also provide accountability to persevere when pushback on a boundary undermines confidence in you, your marriage relationship, family needs or even work situations. Pushback happens when you say no but the person will not accept no. It is usually a family member so it is even harder to stay strong. That is why talking a situation over with a support person is so helpful. To make sure you have worked out all the ways the keep you’re yes, yes and/ or your no, a form and sound no.

It has been said that “living in your comfort zone is comfortable however no ever grows there.” Boundaries help you to live life to the full the bible says in John 10:10. With healthy boundaries in place you are reducing stress and creating an environment for stress management.

Boundaries information taken from the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.

Do you struggle with paying your bills each month? Do others come to you like you are a bank? You may have a boundary issue.

As a reminder – Boundaries are the lines of responsibility that separate what “is me” from what “is not me”. Boundaries show me what I am responsible for and what I am to take ownership of. Others peoples struggle with paying their bills or taking care of them is not yours issue.

Healthy boundaries help to…

• Provide better stewardship of resources, making their availability far more likely in times of crisis. If you have good boundaries when it comes to money, you will have what you need when you need it. We all struggle with getting our wants and needs mixed up from time to time. However healthy boundaries teach you to say not “no” (which can create an emotional response that only shopping therapy might seem like your only answer) just “not now”.

• Facilitate better ways to communicate needs and concerns. There are times with our family friends, work or in ministry where you are struggling to make your needs known to those around you. People for the most part don’t like confrontation so communicating your needs when your boundaries have been crossed can be hard. However you are the only one that can teach others how to treat you. Do you know your needs? If you are sure what you needs are in a relationship, finding a support person to help you to figure this out is a great place to start. Also have that support person coach you as to best communicate your needs and concerns. Practice makes perfect. The first couple of time you try this will be awkward however your will get better over time. Don’t give up.

When you have healthy boundaries they enable you to reinforce a resilient core.

The Bible says…

⁹ And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight,¹⁰ so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,¹¹ filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Challenge:

• Pray for God’s insight concerning creating healthy Boundaries for you and your family.
• Speak to your spouse or significant other about what, where and when you will start setting Boundaries in your life to make your life better.
• Check your work environment and make sure you have healthy boundaries there as well.

From there pick an area to start (home, family or work) and create some actions steps to start putting healthy boundaries in place. Many blessings to you as your healthy boundaries start to give you the life you long for full of grace and truth.

Boundaries information taken from the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.